This is probably going to be a long one.
Right now...I'm listening as sirens approach my apartment complex. I was just walking back from the mailbox and saw a woman sitting outside with a screaming child on her lap...he couldn't have been more than 2 years old or so. The mother was on the phone with 911 calling for help, saying he just fell out a 2-story window. I didn't know what to think, how to react, or even if to say anything.
I walked right on by, unaffected...numb in a way.
It's a strange story. It just happened. Minutes ago. I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling over what I just witnessed, but my reaction is an indication to me of what is happening. That is, I'm becoming more and more disconnected from the world around me.
I've got a whole list of things going on right now. When I look at the list, it doesn't even look like it should be that much and I don't understand why I feel so much stress over things that most people can make it through with only slight anxiety...or none at all. I feel so weak, incompetent, and breakable.
The major thing would be with trying to get a job. It appears that becoming an optimist has only proved to work against me. I expected it to be a fairly easy task to find a job...that all I had to do was get an interview and I would be in. I was proven wrong...very wrong. After turning over 30 applications and calling back on every one I received only 2 interviews and no job. Now, I'm starting an orientation process at a very upscale restaurant where 70-85% of the people do not pass. I have had to go through hell and make my parents shell out way too much money for a uniform when I don't even know if I'm going to get this job. The tests are hard and I've spent at least an hour a day...sometimes 2 or more making flashcards and studying for all of this. The stress levels I'm reaching from this are making it hard just to learn. However, if I do get the job it will pay off greatly and I have a very good feeling about the work environment there.
Just right now it is so hard...and I am nauseous from stress and anxiety.
Part of the stress with getting a job is also money. That is a big part. I want to be able to get benefits and help out with the rent and expenses of me living here. I feel horrible for the amount of money I'm taking...and no matter how many times I hear that my parents love me and they just want me healthy, it never lessens the guilt even for a second. I have anxiety about turning the receipts over to my dad just because the actual process brings up so much guilt and anxiety in me for spending every dollar that they add up to. I delay giving them to him, and I know that doesn't help out one bit...then I feel bad for that.
It isn't even about material things. Yes, I want my DSL...and my Netflix has been one of the best purchases I have ever made...but all I really need is my computer, my cat, and my friends and I am happy. Even going out the other night to a bar with some friends, all I got was a glass of water and I had a fucking blast.
I just want to be able to help.
I was also thinking a lot today about the debt I racked up in my former years of being sick (some who know me know the details of this.) It came back to haunt me yet again today. One girl at the orientation was telling me today about all her roommate had to go through to get a job at one of the two places I interviewed at. She was saying they did a credit check and other things. Ding...ding...ding. That was my death sentence right there. I know it. I fear so much that they will run my paperwork at this place and I will come in one day for orientation and be told to walk right back out the door. I can't even explain my fear over this, and I am only anticipating the humiliation that would take place should that occur. I have a headache just thinking about it.
Then I came home to find out about a little mishap with the electric bill. (I didn't know I had to call to have it put in my name.) I got it all cleared up...but because they ran a credit check I had to pay $50 dollars just to have it put in my name because my credit is that horrible. Let me correct that statement: My parents have to pay $50 dollars. I feel defeated by my own self once again and the guilt only builds...and only leads to self-destructive thoughts. Luckily, I still have the strength not to act on any of them.
I'm just so sick of my past coming back to haunt me and it is a definite barrier in this process. I know that from the outside it is so easy to say I did it to myself...but I am light years from the person that I was. I am trying to remind myself of this every day and allow myself to like who I am now without hating what I was (and fear still could be.) When these types of things happen, it is all thrown in my face and I feel so helpless, out of control, defeated, and fall into a rut of self-loathing that I can't begin to explain.
I just want things to be easier.
While I love living by myself...my anxiety levels are definitely brought down by that, there are still some things that are hard. I have a newfound respect for my mom. Seriously! I haven't even lived here that long, but every moment there seems to either be a dish to wash, a counter to wipe, a cat box to clean, a bag of trash to take out, stuff to put away, a shirt to hang, etc...you get my drift. Just one person in an apartment with almost nothing in it...and I feel like the upkeep of it is actual work. I'm committed to keeping it clean, and it is...I just didn't expect it to be so constant.
It's just never ending and that gets to me.
But...the benefits are far outweighing the disadvantages, and I don't even know if I would call them that.
With my therapist. We have had problems in the past with her always just assuming something is wrong with me or feeling she can dictate just what it is my problems are. I have a hard time opening up and talking about things...and she should know this by now. Truth is, I have been doing awesome lately. Many people have either told me this or agreed with me on this (Erin & Kara did today !)
I can never please her, though. The final straw came when in last weeks meeting I actually talked about something real and something that is difficult for me to talk about. It was something that was on the forefront of my mind. At the end of the session her final words to me were (in her usual condescending manner), "Maybe someday you'll be able to tell me what is really going on." That hurt. I'm not the only one who has had these kind of difficulties with her, and most scoff at the idea of her even being my therapist. I think she is a good therapist, our personalities just don't mesh when it comes right down to it and I don't feel she is helping me right now.
It's tough. I don't like it. I don't know what to do. (And yes, Kara, I did e-mail the little man tonight about it...hopefully I will hear back on that.)
Then there are friends. I consider myself to have 2 good friends here, 1 growing friend, and 1 who I know will be a good friend but we just met.
In one group today I found out things about 2 of these friends that I had no idea about...and it did hurt a little. The thing is, after years of friends almost solely from a treatment center environment I've gotten used to others keeping secrets, not being fully honest, disappearing, pulling away, etc. And, I can't even criticize all of that because I have done it in the past as well. It just hurts and is getting to me and I'm beginning to fear the relationships I do have. With the exception of Kara. I just don't want to find out after the fact what is going on with everyone.
It's hard to be in a place where for all of your friends their sole confidant is a therapist, and then I feel like just a filler to get through the day. I know I shouldn't feel this way...but a lot was said in groups that had my thoughts going in this direction. It just wasn't good and didn't feel good.
I want to meet people outside, but then my shyness gets in the way. A girl who I usually chat with on my daily runs to Speedway offered to get together and help me frost/streak my hair one night. I would love to do that, but fear keeps me from saying 'yes.' It would be just as friends...she definitely is a straight girl. I'm just so shy and I hate that about myself.
I'm also feeling lonely in the relationship sense. I've been talking to an ex of mine (Dena) for quite some time now. Although, it is all done in 'secret' and that is a whole 'nother issue, but I think it stirred up all those feelings in me again of wanting someone. I can't have her...but I want someone, something. Then I fear I am wanting this for the wrong reasons or hate myself for wanting it at all.
It's just...and I had this conversation with Kara...I want someone to just hold me. I want them to just lay there and hold me and feel so reassured about everything. It's just everything else that comes with it that freaks me the fuck out. I mean, every time I talk to Dena I just remember how comfortable it felt to lay next to her in bed wrapped in her arms with my head resting on her shoulder. I felt so safe and so loved.
*break...Don just called and we talked for like a 1/2 hour. My brother rocks.*
Okay...back to where I was...
Oh yes...the whole feeling lonely thing. I think I just said enough about that. Again, my shyness gets in the way with that. Kara will go out to bars with me, but even then I don't know how I would make it through the process of actually calling/talking to someone. I don't know how I did it with Dena. Granted, I was into substances then and that does take some inhibitions away...but I'm not into substances now. I haven't been smoking greenage at all...that's right, not at all. When I go out, I've never had more than 2 1/2 beers. I think I'm getting old. *sigh*
I also miss Jen. I know she is having a tough time right now, but she will never really express it. I can just tell and I know she is stressed. I'm in so much of my own shit now and so stuck in my head that I feel so completely useless as a friend. I want to see her and hang out with her and I want to help and know how I can help. It just feels like something is missing right now without her.
One thing that was discussed by someone today...feeling for others is a good thing because you realize that you are capable of it. On the other hand, it is one of the worst feelings on earth because it hurts so much to either be distanced from those you care about, watch them suffer, or lose them in any sense.
Again, I can't criticize, because I have been one of the worst offenders in this sense.
I have a history of hurting so many people. In fact, I've hurt everyone I've ever given a damn about. Kelly Clarkston's new song comes to mind when she sings, "For hating you I blame myself." That is what I do...I just hate people for one reason or another and dump them at a moment's notice and move on without ever looking back. I will feel nothing. Should I ever look back, I feel so much...too much and it hurts like hell. But, the never looking back strangely works. It works so well it is scary.
I'm just stressed right now. I'm confused. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I should be studying more right now, but I already put over an hour in tonight and I don't feel like my brain can function anymore.
I don't even know why I can't sleep, but this has been going on for over a month now. Two days ago I was up at 4:30 a.m. Yesterday I was up at 7 a.m. This morning I was up at 5:30 a.m. When I woke up the other morning I awoke terrified and had to run through my entire apartment in a state of panic and turn on every light there was. I then jumped back into bed too afraid to move. I don't remember having a nightmare and I have no idea why I was in the state of fear/panic that I was. I couldn't even take comfort in my kitty at that moment.
I'm just drained.
Really, things aren't that bad. There are a lot of good things happening too. I've been symptom free in every area. I'm being social and enjoying my time with friends. I'm feeling connected to others. Kara rocks. There are so many opportunities that will be open for me if everything goes right and I get this job.
It's just right now, I'm stressed...and I have to keep reminding myself that this will pass and things have to get better. I couldn't imagine them getting much worse.
Hope. I have hope...and that is something I've rarely had in the past and must hold onto with everything I have right now.
I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard.
If you read this, thanks for listening. I just needed to vent!
Kara and I are going to Cleveland Pride this weekend!!!!! I have never been, and she is awesome for joining me.
Fun times, I'm so looking forward to it...and it just may be the break I need.